It’s Sunday, 16 August – strangely warm for England.
I was clearing out an old folder on my laptop when I found it again, almost by accident: an article I wrote on 25 May 2020.
2,274 days ago.
The years have passed. I was able to overcome the pain.
I’m republishing it here exactly as it was – because I want to give voice again to that younger version of me, the one fighting a battle bigger than she was.
I don’t want to minimise the Covid problem or the loss, fear, and changes we are all facing, and I have to admit I am in the lucky part of the population: the pandemic has changed my life, but I didn’t turn it upside down.
On the other hand, I am in the less lucky part of the population to be sick (not with Covid) during the pandemic lockdown.
Is the pandemic real?
Absolutely yes.
Shall we all take the necessary precautions to protect ourselves, our loved ones and all the other inhabitants of this world?
Absolutely yes.
Is it fair that if someone is not coronavirus-sick, is she/he left in the corner, with the minimum help, to wait until the pandemic lockdown will finish?
Absolutely not.
This is my story
This is my story, more of a month-long physical and emotional rollercoaster.
I am not blaming anyone, I am not complaining, I am just sharing a piece of real life.
So, back in middle of April, after 6 weeks of shielding in my 2 bedroom-flat fort for avoiding any contact with coronavirus, I felt for the first time a very well-known pain — a quite sharp pain in my left side of the face, like electric current with this sensation of burning and suddenly I am back in summer 2017 when I went through 3 months of problems with my teeth ending up — long story short- in 2 root canals, 2 weeks of antibiotics, 1 week of cortisone, an allergy to drugs which literally peeled all of my gums and ibuprofen and aspirin as my best friend painkillers.
For more than 20 seconds on that night when I felt the pain again, my mind is lost in the memories of the horrible 3 months I lived in 2017; then I said to myself, this time is not going to be the same.
I was right: not the same, but quite similar.
In the days after, the pain ramped up, so I ended up calling the emergency number and then my journey began.
How can they help if everything is shut down?
I went through a lot of kind people who really wanted to help, but how can they help if everything is shut down and the only diagnosis can be done on the phone on the basis of the symptoms I described?
Is it fair that nobody is able to visit you in person?
I really understand the risk of the virus, the fact that we are in unforeseen times, that this is the first time we are facing a pandemic in the modern world, but as modern and civilised society — should we not have protocols and processes for helping others too?
I am not the only one with a health problem.
I realised how vast was the people were in my same situation when I posted on the Facebook local group, and a lot of people replied to me:
“I am with you in the same situation”
“I don’t know what to do; everyone is bouncing me back”
“I am in pain for weeks”
“I feel so miserable, alone and frustrated”
These were my same feelings.
I felt with no hope, no prospect, no light at the end of the tunnel.
Just wait, try to keep the pain reasonable with painkillers and just wait.
When you have a problem, you want to solve it
But when you have a problem you want to solve it, so I tried to fix myself doing any sort of things, reading internet try to find a cure that will help, calling several times the emergency line, going through the same questionnaire they have to read, for being triaged to someone else who will do again a similar questionnaire for triaging me to another person who has to fill in in another questionnaire, again and again and again.
And so, the sensation of frustration and hopeless raises, and after weeks, this is human: you start to be tired of trying this, trying that, waiting just a couple of days.
I understand that everyone wants to help, but someone who has been suffering for weeks is wishing to find a solution and not just another try.
Did I solve my problem?
Did I solve my problem, not yet.
Yes, I am better.
Am I worried? Of course, yes.
I am worried that the situation will become worse again and that the lockdown will again be something between me and the solution to my problem.
Am I giving up?
No!
I still continue to think that life needs to be lived.
I am trying to understand what is in here for me, what is the message I need to learn; stop judging and just trust that things will be OK soon.
A message of hope
This is a message of hope for everyone who is in my same situation.
You are not alone; you are not a loser; you are a caterpillar like me, and we will soon be wonderful butterflies.
